Four years ago…this was me.
She was a nice woman. She had a good-heart and while she deserved a better life she didn’t believe that she did. But she saw other people around her who were happy. Even though that happiness seemed elusive, she dared to believe that perhaps she could find it for herself. But to do that she had to face her demons head on. And to do that she had to change her relationship with food which, until that point, had been the shield she used to protect herself from the demons.
So then she had surgery and within months she looked like this.
Still a nice girl…but now a nice girl on a mission. She was going to lose the weight, get fit and everything was going to be ALL right. Right?
Well after a year and some change she looked like this.
She lost the weight but…she wasn’t quite happy. She missed being able to sedate herself with food. She hated counting every calorie and gram of protein. She resented the vitamins. She felt like she was not skinny but was no longer plus-sized, the identity she had her whole life. She was confused and in a very bad place.
And in time some of the weight came back. But a funny thing happened. She started to ask herself questions like “Why do I think the way I think? What hunger am I trying to feed when I want to eat beyond my pouch capacity? What do I want out of life? And for that matter…who the HELL am I?”
Today she…I…look something like this.
Thicker than my thinnest, thinner than my biggest and well on my way to this elusive thing called happiness.
I have learned so much about myself this year. And all those lessons can be categorized by one simple phrase: I can do it.
This time last year Bariatric Foodie was two people. Now it is one. I didn’t think I could run this blog alone, even though I began it alone. But you know what? I can do it. I have done it. I even pulled off two great events in two cities!
This time last year I was petrified of the infamous “bounce back” weight. I thought I was on a conveyor belt back to obesity. But I wasn’t. I realized that through exercise and good choices I could control SOME of what happens with my body (although it does seem to like the weight I am now, no matter how much or little I eat or exercise).
This time last year, I was coping with a horrible incident that happened last summer that left me feeling very unsafe and unsure about the future. But here I am, still standing. And I learned that everything that happens in my life is the result of some decision I’ve made. So now I try to make wiser decisions.
This time last year, I was so depressed because it was the first Thanksgiving that would not be in my grandfather’s house, which we recently lost to foreclosure. This year, I honor my grandfather’s memory by having Thanksgiving in my humble little house.
I can do it. And you can do it. Whatever you think is holding you back, knock it down! Lord knows if I have, you can too!
So this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, grow through my struggles and I am most thankful for community. This community here, of wonderful Foodies, is precious to me. And I give thanks for you each and every day. You keep me on track and motivated, thinking and curious. And for that there are not quite enough thanks…
But I’ll give just one more. THANK YOU for reading this blog. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wonderful post Nikki. You are a wonderful inspiration to others, including your nurse. Have a blessed day.
Thanks for sharing your struggles and triumphs. God is so good. I plan on doing it too. Thanks for keeping BF going on your own.
You are amazing.
I love your blog. I check it out daily. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.
Thanks for being there for all of us who read your blog. It has become a contant in my journay and I look forward to your insight.